Memories

Everyone's life is full of memories, good and bad, happy and sad.  We cannot cut memories out.  

It was a hard year for me and I tried to live happily.  The only way that make me happy is to "forget" you.  We had a lot of happy memories and I cannot deny that there was sadness too.  I used six months to keep myself away from moody emotion and move on to a life without you.  It is not easy.  However, I know that past is past; gone is gone.  I am now working hard to put all the past memories into a drawer of my mind.  I will lock it up.  I promise that I will live happier and happier.  I will not let you worry anymore.

You are my angel

It rained yesterday, heavy rains.  You still sitting there for your request and your dream.   Why you do it?  Are you do it for yourself?  No, you do it for us.  You do it because you think it is for our good.  I did not join you, I am sorry.  

In the very beginning, I did not agree you to go out.  However, I know no one can keep you stay home now.  I keep my heart with you.  I pray for your safety and wait for your good news.  

I love you and thank you for doing everything for us.

So sad

You are out there sitting since yesterday.  I went to work for a whole day.  I care about your safety.  I know that you are following your heart to do what you think is right.  I cannot say I fully support you but I respect you and your will.

We never know what will happen tomorrow.  Let's wait and see and keep hope for a better tomorrow, ok?

Please remember, I LOVE YOU!  I would not forget this day, September 28.

Flying again

Hey,

I am planning my next trip again, a trip without you.  It may be a trip with snow, but I am not sure because every time I visit a place with snow, snow does not snow.

I thought of flying to Estonia during the Christmas time, however I not yet ready for that country.  I will go to Tromso of Norway.  Will that surprise you, again?  I want to chase after snow and the light.  I want to see the magic sky at that very northern place.  

Did I tell you about my dream of seeing the Aurora with you?  This year is the eleven years of this cycle of the Aurora.  It will be less easy to meet the Aurora starts from next year.  I do not want to lose the chance.  I will capture the beauty with my eyes and camera for you and I.  That will be a nice moment in my life.  I hope that you could feel it and see it too.

Snow

I love snow because I never experience it.   How does it fall; how does it melt; how does it smell; how does it taste; how soft is it and how dirty is it when melt?  I knew nothing about it.  Snow seems like a mystery to me.  

You knew that I want to see snow, thus you tried hard to chase snow with me in the winter.  We tried several times, but we never success on the chasing.  One day I experienced it unexpectedly at the backyard of your garden.  That was my birthday; I felt it.  Snow fell on my head suddenly.  I was so happy because it was the first time I felt it.  It was a tiny and thin snow shower, but I was satisfied with the feeling.  You said that I would never know the feeling till I see the snowing.

Since then, I have no chance to feel snow on my hands anymore.  I want to see it, I want to feel it again.   I will chase after it again this winter, but without you.  I have learnt a lot this year and I am growing up.  Do not worry, I will be ok by myself.

Track

Tram here only have one track and it is slow.  Wherever you get on the tram, it would bring you to the terminal if you have the patient.  Tram has only one track and arrive only one destination.  You would not lost and you would not miss.  It just like a love track.  When you willing to stay on track with patient, you would arrive the terminal finally.

You loved to ride on the tram and let it take you to travel along the track.  You wanted to experience the slow in this busy city with the crowd.  We traveled on the tram few times.  

On one morning, you wanted to travel with me to the office after we had an unpleasant moment.  The tram was very busy and I tried hard to squeeze in it.  After I was in the tram, I found that you were still at the station.  I called you and wanted to meet you at the station near my office.  You said that you did not want to since it had no point for you to join me if we could have only few minutes on that morning.  Did you know how disappointed I was when you said that?  We did not have much our time when you visited me; and no matter how short the meeting would be, I loved to see you and feel you.  Even it would be a five minutes meet, I wanted to be with you.

After two hours, you called me and asked me to come down to our usual cafe.  I went to PC immediately after the call.  You were there waiting for me with a bag.  You handed the bag to me and said that it was for me because you knew that I did not have any breakfast. You worried I would feel hungry and the bag was full of cookies, chocolates and biscuits for me.  Thank you caring about me so much.  I wanted to tell you I loved you.

Unconditional

You always said that I gave you unconditional love which you knew that there would have no one can give you the same.  I do not know what is unconditional love.  The only thing I knew was that when you were with me, you were happy and were yourself.  

I understood that no two people have the same characteristics and with same like and hate.  In relationship, we have to be considerate and put our feet in others' shoes.   I tried to think in your way and your happiness was mine too.  I was happy when I saw you have satisfying smile on your face.  I was happy when you enjoyed the meals I cooked for you.  I was happy when you felt relaxing and watching TV.  I was happy when you sit back in the sofa and enjoyed your day with me.

I know what you want me to do now, I will try my best as you wish.  Do not worry, I will live my life in full……..

Apartment

You wanted to move.  You wanted to find an apartment with a balcony.  You arranged a meeting with the property agency for me to visit the apartment which you like most.  It was located at the corner of the road which you passed by every day when on your way to the office.

It was a big apartment with a big balcony as you liked.  I like the place too because there was no building in front of it.  I imagined that a tea table with two chairs were set at the right corner where we could sit there for an afternoon tea.  Moreover, a comfortable sofa would be put at the other corner.  The balcony was good for us to enjoy the sunset magic moment and watching kids running around in the park while we were having a cup of tea.  I was sure that you would love to sit there too.   At full moon night in the winter, we could squeeze in the sofa with a blanket cover both of us.  We could talk almost whole night long as what we did all the time.   It seemed that I thought too much…… time would not come back.

Cards

Many shops there issue membership card for their customers.  The first one I got was the frequent flyer card from the airline in Holland.  You helped me on the registration with your home address.  Everything for me was sent to your home.  

The second one was the IKEA family card.  On the boxing day, you drove to the IKEA because it was the only shop that would open on that day.  It was a jumbo shop.  We had our breakfast there and received free drinks with your membership card.  You suggested me appling for a membership card.  You helped me to register and have your home address as my address again.  It is a family card attached to you.  It seemed that I was attached to you; being your wife because I was marked as housewife.  

One day after I returned home, a package arrived.  That was not a big package with two little cards, some receipts and a road map.  The two cards were the card from Albert Heijn.  Again, the two cards were attached to you because I need to register with your home address.  You said that I sure should register with your address because this is my home in Holland.

The four cards are still with me but I have no chance to use them anymore……..

Dessert

You loved sweet food a lot.  To you, a meal need to have dessert otherwise it would not be a full and complete meal.  The dessert can be an ice-cream, vla, Chinese sweet soup, or a piece of chocolate; and of course cupcake can do this part as well.

On that hot summer day, we were traveling in middle of Poland.  We had our ice-cream serval times a day.  It was so yummy.   We walked along the square at the city centre trying to find the famous cupcake shop which we had googled before.  We had our tea break in that shop where we sat on the red sofa near the shop entrance.  We watched people passed by or came in the shop.  We fed each other with the cupcakes we ordered and did silly photo of us.  I was never a cupcake person but since I had it at that shop with you, I was in love with it.  I missed that taste which I cannot find it anywhere now.

Have loved and lost

After the typhoon had gone, we went for afternoon tea buffet at the hotel.  We walked from the apartment to the hotel.  It was a 30-minutes walk in a hot summer day.  We walked slowly and visited some shops for the battery of your camera.  You wanted a spare one.  

When we almost arrived the hotel, the yellow scandals that I wore was broken.   It was the first time I wore it.  What a pity.  I could only dragged slowly with that broken scandal.  We found the shop for a new pairs for me.  You helped me to find the most beautiful pairs of shoes.  You asked me to sit on the chair and you brought me every pair of shoes from the shelf which you thought were good on me.  You helped me to fit on those shoes.  I felt your care and love for me.  I always remember that feeling even it would not happen again.  I do not feel regret because someone told me that "better to have loved and lost than never had love at all".  

Tear

Tears still there, I still have tears when in bed.  How come?  Feeling doesn't go away?  or just missing the old time?  When listening to some romantic songs, memories come to my mind and tear comes up.  

Someone said my feeling is still there.  I would not deny that love not yet totally fade away.  Everyone said time heels, of course it heels a lot of emotions and feelings and just no one can predict how long is the healing process.  One day, the memories would only bring up happiness.  Everything would be fine again.  I miss you, yes.  I still miss you.

I saw your sadness

Mama,

The night before we had a chat with the webcam.  We did not talk for a while.  I understood that you want to calm down your emotion and by yourself after that sad day.  Finally, you willing to talk to me again.  I miss you a lot, mama in Holland.  I saw your sadness through the webcam.  You cannot hold your tears.  That made my heart broken.  I want to hug you, hold you with my arms.  However, it is not possible now because it would be strange for me to come over again.  

Mama, please understand that no matter what happen, even we do not contact or speak so often as before, I still love you and you are always my mama in Holland.  I will keep on learning my Dutch for you, mama.

Love from your daughter in HK

Rainy day

That was a rainy day.  Rain was not heavy but it seemed that it never stopped.  Despite the bad weather, we went out to visit the city.  We walked side by side under the rain and did the window shopping.  

The rainy day made that winter more cold.  We blurry our bodies in big coats and walked around in the market.  You guided me everywhere because it was not the first time you were there.  I knew that I can rely on you and follow your steps.  We walked for a whole day and I was tired.  I did not say anything because I wanted to be next to you.  We were the only people walking on the pretty bridge.  Rain continue dropped from the top and shined under the street light from the top.  We walked hand in hand under the rain.  Our shadow was on the ground and became one.  Could we keep walking in that way forever?

Our life

You told me that we met each other from our past life.  That made us more easy to talk and feel comfortable to share things when we were together.  It was so easy to understand the needs of ourselves and what was good for us.  You knew my habits, my taste of food and taste of living.  You tried to match with mine.  I knew you worked hard on matching with me.  I wanted to match with your style of living too and it was so easy to know what you like and dislike.  You said I knew you so well that you did not need to say anything and I could prepare food or things you want and to your taste.

It was not difficult to live in your way because you wanted a simple life which was my wish too.  Living in the little wooden house, cooking for you, cleaning the house, planting in the garden, doing the housework, visiting your parents, those were what I planned and dreamed to do when one day we lived together.  I wanted to be your little housewife at home; I wanted to cuddle with you in the sofa when you no need to work.  That was a dream only, I know; dream would not come true…….

Romantic love

Since early this year, I read some columns about love.  I noticed that when you fall in love, you can only see the best and good of your lover.   However, when the love is "fading away", you would start notice the weakness and bad of your partner.   As to maintain the relationship for a longer time, you have to understand that romantic love would not stay forever.  It is better to start developing a family like relationship with a base from the romantic love.

Romantic love can only last for two to three years and it would change into a relationship like family feeling.  A family like relationship can last longer than romantic love.  If you do not notice the change, it would upset your feeling and mislead you that the "love" is dead.  Then the relationship could hardly continue.

A friend asked me why I loved you so much.  I cannot give her any reason.  However, this is the feeling I had for you.  Love is so interesting.  It is a feeling that you cannot explain and might have no reason.  Maybe it was your sweet, your care, your romantic attitude, your talent, made me fell for you.  I wished our relationship would have became the long lasting one and I was ready and prepared for that change.  Were you ready?  Or you thought that love was no more existed between us?

Where to go

This year, time goes quick.  Nine months gone.  I am planning my December trip as usual.  However, I do not have much mood for that traveling.  I want to be away for a while and where should I go?  where should I visit?  It seems that I do not have any idea.  In the past two years, I was always there to celebrate Christmas with you and your family.  It seemed like a routine to me, flying there, preparing things to celebrate with you, having our own time, watching the New Years Eve fire works all over the world.  

I do not know what I will do this year…… It would be a hard year for me……because I still remember last Christmas…….

September

September again, same group of people, similar food, same purpose of gathering and at the same place.  However, you were not here and without typhoon.  

Last September, I planned a get away trip with you to Macau after the family gathering, to that quiet hotel which is away from those casinos.  Usually, we stayed in a hotel close to the casino but that time was a new place.   I searched a lot of information from the internet and found that this hotel ranked number 1 by TripAdvisor.  I wanted to give you the best thing; so we booked with that hotel.

Our room was a nice and big one with Chinese traditional decoration.   Despite the far away location from tourist center, the hotel is an excellent place to stay, quiet and well refurnished with good trained staff.   

I liked to stay in the Portuguese style restaurant by the window seat with you after a nice sleep.  The sun shined on our faces and I saw the satisfied smile hang on your face again.  In the late afternoon, we lay in the red covered bed for a long talk and cuddle.   Before we checked out, the hotel staff took a photo of us as a souvenir from the hotel.   Do you still have that photo of us?  Do you still remember the time with me?  And our long talk when you were here?  To be honest, I did not want to come back.  I missed you.  I wanted to see your mischievous smile again and I hoped I could stay in your arms forever.   

Special one

Someone say that everyone have a space for a special someone; everyone is waiting for that special one.   When you meet that special one, you would willing to do everything for the one, to please the one.

I know that you made many changes for me.  You tried to train yourself and keep your body in good health.  You said that it was because you wanted to be a better man for me.  You did a lot to change your way of sleeping position because of me.  You knew that I afraid being in dark, thus you told me to wake you up whenever I need to use the washroom when in the middle of sleep.  You were not an adventure person but you willing to try new things with me.  You knew that I wanted to see snow, you searched places that had snow in winter and planned for a trip to go there with me.  You afraid that I would have missed Chinese food, you suggested to go for dim sum on every weekend.  I loved to eat the chocolate coffee beans, you bought many boxes for me.  You noticed that I cared my father a lot, you bought the crackers he loved to eat.  You did a lot.  I would not forget how much you did for me.

Photos

At your home, there were photos of you and your friends.  Of course, our photo was put on your board too.  However, it made no difference from your other photos with your friends.  umm……I wished our photo was difference.  Thus, I started collecting photos of us and your parents.  Finally, I decided making a photo album for you as Christmas gifts.  It was a album full of our smiles, adventure, kisses and love.  I wished that I can made one every year.  Until now, I made two albums for you.  I hope that they are now all at your home safely.

When we visited your parents, I saw that there were some family photos at their home.  The photos told me that you had lovely parents and your ex-girlfriend was a cute one.  You noticed that I was looking at the photo of you and your ex-girlfriend.  You whispered to me that you two were over and I no need to be jealous.  It was your mother who kept the photo as this was the only photo of you in formal dressing.  I did not mind the photo was put there but I was so curious about her.  I wanted to know what kind of girl she was.  Anyway, my biggest wish was that one day a photo of us could be put on that space at your parents' home.  Did I dream too much?

Piggy

I found the pair of piggies at the craft shop near my office.  When I went into the shop, the two piggies caught my eyes.  They were made of bronze with very cute smile.  They looked like couples; one was taller and the other one was more cute.  I imagined we were them.  The small one have its cheek moved close to the taller.  Both of them were smiling with their eyes closed.   I liked them a lot and thought that you would like it too.

I brought them to you.  They were put on your shelf on top of the television.   I had them stayed together with their cheeks close to each other at that corner.  I could feel the love between the two piggies.  When I looked at them, I saw us.  We were so close to each other; no matter how far we stayed apart, our hearts were together.  

Last June, I was so mad of you that I turned the small piggy's head away and kept her far away at the other corner of the shelf.  You knew that I was angry with you, you put them back together at the old corner.   You said, "are you still angry with me?"  I could say nothing but cry.  Was that only my imagination or it was real that you still care about me?

Gangnam Style

Gangnam Style was one of the popular songs in the year of 2012.  I heard it from the radio and watched the music video from youtube.  It was an amazing Korean song with very special dancing steps and it was the number one top hit song in many countries and area.  

I shared it with you.  You like the song immediately and tried to introduce to the Dutch community.  Indeed, it was already the number one hit song in Holland.  You kept the song in your music library and let it run randomly from the music player.  When the song was played, you dance in that special dancing steps.  When I was down, you sang the song to me and dance for me just to let me happy and laugh again.  You once challenged me that I did not know how to do the Gangnam Style steps.  Then we dance together and it was so much fun to do it with you.  We were not very good at that steps and made some mistakes but I was sure that we had fun.  We dance and dance; then we burst into laughter when we could not follow the steps anymore.  

Do you still dance in that special steps?  Do you still like to listen to that song?

Piggy

We prepared gifts for each other every time before we return home or when we were going to meet again.  Sometimes, I went to your favorite shop to buy those "Double Happiness" items or the China for you.  I knew that you have a lot of different interests from the antique, Asian related things to the very modern designed products, and electronic items.  It was so easy to find you gift. 

It was always difficult for you to find me things.  You complained many times that it seemed I need nothing.    Thus, you only bought me chocolates, food and sweets.  The longer we were together, the more you found out that I loved cute and romantic stuff and all of the Christmas related things.   

Did you know what I really want and need?  That was your care and your love.  As long as you cared about me and loved me, that was enough.   If I could stay with you for more time, that would be a double bonus to me.  Had I lost my bonus yet?

Moon

Tonight, I looked through the window of the bus and saw the moon.  It was not a full moon night.  I thought of you.   

There was a night we sat on the bench of the harbor front.  We were there for almost a whole night watching people jogging and walking by.   It was a clear night.  Was it a full moon night?  I did not remember.  However, I remembered that we sat close to each other and you had your arm around my shoulder while I put my head on yours.  No matter how tall you are, I can put my head on your shoulder when we are sitting.  We tried to sit as close as we could to feel each other.  The night was full of kisses and cuddle.   You stared at me always and I looked into your eyes all the time.  I saw a man mixed with funny mischievous mind and mature attitudes who was fond of me.  What did you see from me? 

Dance

We did not know how to dance and we did not dance in the public.  However, we sometimes dance at home.  There no need any real music and there no need any romantic decoration.  We did the dancing according to our mood.  You made me dance in circles and looked like I was dancing ballet.  Did you ever meet a ballet dancer was so fat?  

I put my bare feet on top of yours.  I put my hands on your love handle.  I hug you from the front.  I raised my head and looked into your eyes.  You bent forward and looked at me.  I saw your gentle smile and your mischievous in your eyes.   We stared each other and finally burst into laugh.  I could not stop laughing and buried my face into your tummy.   You tummy was so soft and nice to touch.  I missed it and I missed you more. 

My giant

193cm is not common for an Asian but as a Caucasian.  You were my giant.  Whenever I looked at you, I had my head up all the time and you were my blue sky and sun.  

When I missed you, I looked up the sky.  Then I closed my eyes and felt the breezy wind on my face.  It was you touching my face and fiddle my hair gently like what you did when we met.  You bent your body towards me and gave me that soft kiss; then you stared at me.  Smile hung on my face because I felt your touch, sweet and love.  

I opened my eyes and you were not there.  How can it be?  You were here few minutes earlier and disappeared so quick.  Why you only show yourself when I closed my eyes?  Where was my sky and sun and the most important, my giant?

Little finger

There are more than one way to hold hands, especially between couples.   Many couples hold their hands in the simplest way and we had our own way.  Our pinkies entwining together when we held hands.  

There was an old Chinese fairy tale about the pinkies that an invisible red string of fate connect two people together and fall in love.   That was the fate for the two to meet in this life, the destiny.  

At the very beginning, we held hands with all our fingers crossed together.   Somehow there was one day, our fingers did not crossed together but our pinkies did.   You moved my little finger to entwine with yours once you grabbed my hand.  It looked like we were making promise all the time.  Was the red string of fate there between us?  Were you making promise with me?  What was that promise?  I wished the string never broke.

Risk loving

According to the investment psychology, a risk loving person willing to take risk when the expected return is low.  I think I will consider myself risk loving.

I found the scratch card in Holland was interesting because the design was always cute.  As a risk loving person, I liked playing it with you.   You never scratched those lottery cards before you knew me and you found that I was silly to try to get that lottery prize because the possibilities of winning was low.

One day, I received a mail from you.  It was the one month scratch card, the Christmas one.  Amazing, I loved it.   You told me we scratched it every night when we were doing the FaceTime chat.  How sweet you were to find that activity which we can do together.   Sometimes, I screamed for the luck to get two in a kind of image on the card.   You smiled and asked me softly "How many images we need more to win the smallest prize?"  I showed you the card and told you, we need one more image.   You had that gentle smile again and said "Ja ja.".   You never thought that we would win anything big.  It was fine with me because I enjoyed scratching it with you together.  

This scratch card was the count down calendar for my working holiday.   When the scratch card was used up, that was the time I can see you again.  I wanted to fly to you and squeeze into your arms;  lay on your chest to smell you and feel your heart beat; synchronize my heart beat with yours.  I wanted to scratch it all over in one time!  You were my prize.

Pick me up

Whenever you were here, you pick me up when you were free.  No matter it was the breakfast, lunch or dinner time, you met me near my office.  Sometimes you waited me near the parking area and most of the time you waited in the coffee shop, PC, downstair.  

In the morning, you liked to go for your favorite "cha leung" at the congee shop near by for breakfast.   In the evening, you went to the coffee shop for your earl grey tea while reading news from your iPad and waiting for me.  When I walked down the escalator, I can see you through the window of the coffee shop.  You were concentrated on your reading.   What a guy.

I missed you so much after you returned home.  We kept our communication by messaging daily.  Those messaging could not cure my "love sick".  Sometimes, you asked me if I have plan after work.  On the days that I was free, you said to me "Let's meet at PC when you are off, ok?  at the same time?"  Did you ever know that your words touched me so much?  I cried every time you said that because I missed you so much.  The more you said these, the more I missed you.   Will one day we meet at PC at the same time again when I am off?

Smell

You had a special smell that I liked a lot.  Your smell gave me a fresh, sunshine like feeling.  You smell like mint and green.  That was why I wanted to squeeze in the same sofa with you.   That was why I loved to cuddle with you, walk by your side.  I wanted to smell you.  The cologne and all the toiletries you used were with the same smell.  I tried to put on things in the smell as you.  

It was so easy to notice you were around. When I am walking on the street I try to find your smell, your back.  When you were sleeping, I lay besides you and try to smell you.  When you were home, I followed you around.  When you were doing the laundry, I tried to help as to be close to you.  When you were in the bedroom, I stayed in your room and cuddle with you.   I just wanted to smell you.  

Today, the familiar smell was around me but that was not you.  Where are you now?

Destiny

We had been connected for long.   When we were apart, I can feel you.   I can feel your worry, pain, excitement and happiness.  You believed in past life and karma.  You said that we knew from the past life; that was why you can open to me so easily and feel comfortable when with me.  That was our destiny to meet in this life and we would meet again in the coming life.  

I believed in you because I felt that we were made to meet and be together.  There were so many things indicated that I was made to know you.  I never told you that some of the people I knew before you, the things I encountered before I knew you, all linked to the low land, to the garden of the world.   Thus, when I met you, I knew that my path was towards the beautiful country near the sea.

You always worry about me if I might feel boring and lonely when you go to work.  You were silly, my dear.  There were so many things I can do in the house and during a day.  I can do the cleaning, cooking, learning Dutch, visiting your parents daily.  I even can do my photography and painting.  There were a lot of things I can do.  

Sometimes, I dreamed about having our family, our kids, our house, our future.  I planned how to build the garden; how to decorate our house, and how my days would be in that little wooden house.  I promised I would be ok.  I do not mind if there were some alone time, as long as I can stay with you, hug by you, cuddle with you, lay in bed with you.  I was always waiting for your kisses and touch to let me shrink……

Dragon

Hey,

You are a fan of dragon, the Chinese dragon because this creature looks so spectacular and attractive to you.  I cannot find many things in dragon shape in your house but I noticed that you tried to collect things that have relation to it.  

One day, I walked around in a shopping mall.  There was a special booth which was doing a small old times exhibition and some of them were for selling.  I looked around and suddenly I was attracted by a hanger that was made with copper.  That was a copper dragon hanger.   It looked so nice.   I asked the sales assistant if he knew the story about that hanger.  

He told me that dragon hanger was from 20th century.  An English man found it in China and he brought it to Ireland.   After some years, a Holland guy found the dragon hanger and bought it.  Since that time, the hanger was kept in the low land.   The booth owner liked this hanger and so he purchased it and get it in the booth for selling.   I thought that you would like it, thus, I bought it as your Christmas gift of 2013.  

I felt that it was interesting because the hanger was first appeared in China and arrived Holland after some times.  Later on, it was brought here and I carried it back to Holland.  Seemed that it was the destiny of the dragon to stay in the low land.  Was this also my destiny to link to the garden of the world?

Dragon was lay on the shelf of your home.  You said that you will find a place that you can hang it.   Did you find that suitable place?  Or you have forgotten it already?  Or you found it not attractive?

forever

SFT 

Fell

The music was on; you were singing while reading magazine; I was laying in bed facing the window.   It was a quiet morning.  Suddenly, I heard a "pump"!  I turned my head around and found you lay on the floor.  You fell from the spinning bike; you were not moving; you stayed still there.   Oh my god!  

I wanted to help you.  There was a second I thought if you cannot breath or lost your conscious what I should do.  You told me not to move you and let you stay there for a while with your weak voice.  I could do nothing; I could help nothing.  Looking at you with my worry eyes were the only thing I can do.   I saw you can hardly breath and you closed your eyes tightly.   After a while, your breath came back a little.  I came closer to you and help you to breath more.  I hug you and hug you.  You stayed there with my arms around you.  I cannot hold the whole of you but I tried my best.   

We did not move for a while and the music was still on.   You were not singing but breathing weakly and constantly.   You rest in me arms and told me do not worry because you felt better and better.  It was a long while before you can stand up and we put your big body to the bed.  We lay there together again. 

Cycling

Hey,

You do not like people watching you to do your exercise.   Sometimes, I was too sleepy that I didn't want to wake up.   I forced you to let me lay in bed.  You pushed me to face the window when you were cycling in the room.   At first, I did what you asked me to, have my back facing you.  

Music was on, you were singing and the spinning bike was running in the early morning.   I turned my head and peeped on you.  You were reading the magazine while you were cycling.  You caught me looking at you.  I immediately turned my head to face the window again.  After few minutes, I peeped on you again.  You caught me again and told me to turn around with your warm smile.  I ignored your request and kept looking at you.  You were embarrassed.   I didn't want you feel more embarrassing, I turned my back back.

I did the same on every single day.   The more I did it, the more you used to what I did.  Finally, I didn't need to turn my back when you were cycling.  There was one day you wrote me that you missed the time.  You found yourself have no energy to do the exercise because I was not there accompany with you when you were doing exercise; me too, me too, I missed looking at you with the music on while you were singing with the sound from the spinning bike.

Loves

SFT

Working holiday

Hey,

Every time when I had to fly home, I felt sad because it meant that we could not stay together for a while.  Don't know since when we named that staying apart as my working holiday.  I loved your ideas of working holiday because it made me have big desire of seeing you.  It made me always exciting during the count down time.  

When we booked our tickets for the next meet, we started the working holiday count down.  You told me that it was only a short period of time.  You told me that I stayed here to feel the life here and used my eyes to see everything here for you.  

I experienced things here and you did the same there.  We exchanged when we were together again.   We shared the new places we never visited; food that we never tried; shops that we both find interesting; all new things for us.  Usually that working holiday took about two to three months before we can meet.  Then, how long is that working holiday I am having now?  or the working holiday is already over?  am I having a permanent job here?  

still yours?

SFT

Candles

Hey,

You used to light up candles in the house at night, small one, big one, white one and red one, electric one and the real one.  In that little house, it was lighten up by all the candles almost every night.  Sometimes, we tried to make it more romantic and relaxing by set up the tea, snacks, chocolates after dinner.  Then we can cuddle together in the sofa and watched our favorite TV.  We enjoyed the lovely time very much.

The candles light up the house and also light up our hearts to feel the close of each other.   It seemed that there were only you and me in this earth.  

That is a night without star.  I can only see the dark.  Where is the moon?  Where is the star?   And the most important, where are you?

alway yours
SFT

Two years

Hey,

Someone says:

There is always one special year that one would be very emotional and experience the most bitter, sweetest, hard, and unforgettable feelings in one's life.  Mine was the year from 2012 to 2014; yes, that's about two years.

I experienced a lot of things during these two years; all of my happiness were come from you.  Do you know there are too many things that would remind me of you?  No matter where I am going, what I am eating, what I am doing, you were there with me, in my mind.  When I was in Europe, I thought of you; when your birthday came, I thought of you; when you were traveling, I thought of you.  

We had visited some places together; we planned to visit more places with snow and that we would enjoy much; we enjoyed a lot of different types of food.   We shared our times when we traveled alone with the FaceTime, photo stream, emails, post cards, so many channels we used for our connection.  I missed all of those time.   You were always in my mind.   

SFT

Harmony

Hoi,

You are a music lover.  It seems that you cannot live without music.  No matter where you are, you try to play music from all your devices, your iPad, your HiFi, your car audio player, what ever you can use for music playing.  

I loved to sit next to you and listened to those music you played.   We had similar taste on music and we introduced some new things into each other's music world too.  It was always so relaxing to sit in your car and listen to the music played from the audio box.  You followed the music and sang too.   I looked at you when you sang and I can see you had the enjoyable look and happy smile hang on your face.  Sometimes, when you were singing, you turned to face me and gave me those funny face which would made me laugh.  You are such a kid.  I loved that lovely kid.

love you lots

SFT

The little one

Hey,

It was nice that we sometimes discussed on our future life.  You asked me if I willing to have baby with you when we lived together.  Of course I willing to, you silly.  I wanted to have our babies.   You said that you loved baby girls more and I was fine with both.

However I worried that I cannot carry baby for you because of my age and health.  I did not have good health and may cause problems if I carry baby.  You worried about my health too, thus you said if we cannot have our own, we can try to adopt a baby girl from China.  You did not want me to suffer from that baby carrying.  "Why baby girl from China?" I asked.   "It let our family looks more better as you are Chinese and I am White.   Unless you want a black baby?"  You thought about that already?  You sure you want to build a family with me?  If I can, I prefer to have our own little one.

loves you always

SFT

iPad Mini

Hoi,

When the first iPad Mini was launched, we ordered two.  One was for you and one was for me.  That device was the bridge between us and it just like our kid.  Since then, we watered and fertilized our relationship with the aids of that little machine.

We chatted via the FaceTime almost every night; we shared our photos with the photo streaming; you shared your favorite songs and TV series to me.  I kept all of them in this little tablet.  You said that with those videos, songs and TV series, I would not feel boring and could have something to do when on the plane.   You were so silly.  I told you many times, I can sleep like a pig whenever and wherever I am.   

When we met, we watched most of the media together and among those, that American comedy about the four friends in New York and their love stories was our favorite.   On many nice sunny afternoon and quiet relaxing nights, we cuddled together in your black sofa and watched the program.  I told myself that I would not watch this comedy if you were not around;  and I would not share anything in that little tablet to anybody except you because that one was our baby.

forever yours

SFT

Home

Hey,

How's your day?  Still live in the little wooden two floors stylish home that you have been living for 14 years?  You complained the house a lot, too much insects in the summer time.  You prefered an apartment than a house because you were tired of cleaning the house and the garden alone.   You talked a lot of having our own apartment with a big balcony that we can sit and cuddle on a nice weather day.

You know, I do not mind where we live.  No matter it was a little wooden house or a big traditional European house, the most important thing was I can stay with you and besides you.  I didn't mind to take care of your garden and your house.  Sometimes I have the blueprint of your garden in my mind; to put some green on the path side and some flowers next to the green.

On one fine day, we visited your parents and you showed me the entire house.  It was a real traditional European home.  I never went upstair before.  You guided me to upstairs and showed me the rooms.  We dreamed living in mama's house.   We would have the bedroom refurnishing and the big wardrobe full of my clothes and shoes.   You showed me the two hobby rooms, one for you and one for me.  We can have our own private time and space.   You said when it is the time, one of our hobby rooms would be the kids' room.  We would have our own baby?   Were you serious?

yours

SFT

Hide and Seek

Hey,

Whenever I sat in your car, I liked to sit back and had my head up to look through the car roof window.  The sky was so blue and clear with white clouds.   You told me that I was interesting because I was a girl who loved to look up the sky.

When you were driving, you had your right hand holding my left hand.  You controlled everything inside the car with your other hand.  You never wanted to let me go.  I knew sometimes you were looking at me when we were on the highway.  When I looked at you, you immediately turned your eyes away.  Sometimes I caught you looking at me, then you gave me a big smile and said "what?".  I liked to peep on you secretly while you concentrated on the drove.  You noticed that I was looking at you, you whispered me "what?".  You held up my little hand and kissed on it.  The kiss was so soft and gentle.  I smiled with a satisfy look.  That was our eyes "hide and seek".  Your big hand was so warm and soft that I wished it can hold mine forever.

always yours

SFT

Cuddle

Hoi,

We loved cuddle.  No matter it was in the morning, afternoon or at night, we cuddle a lot.   You love to lay on the sofa and watch the TV programs and I loved to squeeze into your seat.   Sometimes, we squeezed together and enjoyed the lovely quiet time in that little wooden house while watching our favorite series.   

There were a lot of times, I lay on your chest with your arms hug around me from behind.  We always lay there this way and I enjoyed it very much.  Do you know that I felt that I was blessed?  I easily fell asleep on your chest and when you found that I was sleeping, you whispered me softly and asked "babe, let's go to bed for some sleep, ok?"  But I preferred to stay in that position and lay on your chest to feel your heart.  I love to put my ear on your chest listening your heart beat.   It was the amazing time to me because in that way I felt that we were more close and our heart beat were with the same rhythm and speed.   We were connected no matter where we were and how far we were apart.

always yours

SFT

Good Morning

Good Morning dear,

You are an early bird, my early bird.  Everyday, you wake up before 6am, even it is weekend.   Sometimes when I woke up, you were still sleeping.   I didn't wanna disturb you because whenever I was there, at the first two nights, you never had good sleep as you worried about me if I have enough sleep when away from my own home.  

I always looked at you when you fell asleep;  you look like a kid.  Your slim lips closed tightly; with your big nose and big round head, you are so lovely.   When your auto music alarm started the music, you opened your eyes and looked at me.  You smiled and hug me closed to you.  We cuddled together so often.  I like the way you hug and cuddle with me.  That cuddle always started from the dawn to the sky became bright.  You asked me when was my best time with you on a day. That was, it was my favorite moment of everyday with you.

yours,

SFT

24Kitchen

Hoi,

I love to watch "24Kitchen" channel there.  It is a channel full of cooking programs.  You told me that one of the programs of Rudolph van Veen which is about pastry and cakes making and is your favorite one.  We sometimes cuddled in the sofa and watched together on weekend afternoon.   

Do you know why I love to watch this channel and especially programs of Rudolph van Veen?  It is because I can learn some Dutch cooking and at the same time, I can train my ears to listen the local Dutch people speaking and familiar to the speed and tone.   I am sure I can learn Dutch more quick by watching these programs.  When I returned home, I watched the channel sometimes before I go to sleep.  You know what, I also listen the Dutch radio programs.  When do you think I can speak Dutch and understand it more better and quicker?

always yours

SFT

Ik hou van jou

Hey,

When I was there, you were the translator between your parents and me.  I wanted to talk with them myself but I cannot do it.   Since I returned home after the 2013 New Year's holiday over there, I started learning little by little of the Dutch words.  It was not an easy thing for me.  There are no language school teaching Dutch here and not even have language books from the bookshop.  The only source of Dutch that I can find is all from the internet.  

My first Dutch phase was taught by you : Ik hou van jou (I love you).  It is the most easy phase among all other Dutch words / phases because I can remember it very easy as I wrote those words to you on every my emails and also I can read these words on every of your emails.

Then, I learnt a longer way of expression of that feeling : Ik heel veel hou van jou (I love you very much).  Haha, can you feel my feeling for you?

always your

SFT

Dessert

Hey,

Why do people like to have dessert after meals?  Many people say that without dessert, the meal is not completed.  You told me that's true to you and dessert is a must after dinner.  When at home, you always have vla as dessert when I didn't make you anything. 

When you were here, we always went to the dessert shop "Honey Moon" which is near your favorite hotel.  The first time we went there, you wanted the mango mousse pudding.  I asked if you ever tried the "sticky balls".  You agreed to try despite that you are not  dare to try new things.  Haha, "sticky balls" that was the name I made up because I don't know the exact name in English.   After you tried it with me, it become your favorite Chinese dessert.   Sometimes. when at home, you asked for "sticky balls" as dessert after dinner.  Then I started making it and I showed you how to do it.  Thus, you can enjoy it when I was not there.

Do you know how to do it now?  Do you try to do it sometimes?  

forever

SFT

Papa in Holland, I always love you

Hey,

I remember the first time I saw your papa, he was sitting on the red sofa at the warm and classic decorated home.  Every time I saw him, he was smiling.  When he smiled, his eyes became a line and in a new moon shape.  With his big tummy and smiling eyes, I can see his gentle love for everyone around him.  He tried his best to listen to other's talk because both of his ears cannot hear even he wore the hearing aids. He paid much attention to others lips and tried hard to understand what was going on around him.  

I always sit next to papa and when his cup or dish were empty, I asked him if he need some more.  He  always showed me his lovely smile.  Sometimes he shake his egg-like shape head and said he need no more; sometimes, he node and asked for more coffee.  You told me, papa likes me a lot because I am the one who willing to pay attention to him and always look at him and tried to talk with him when everyone was busy with their own things.  You know it is because I love him from heart since the first time he walked me out from the restaurant like my own father.  

He always there sitting on the sofa and look at me and with his gentle look.   You also told me whenever I invited him to dine out, he never rejected.  But every time you invited him out, papa always rejected your invitation.  When we dine out, he always show us he enjoyed the meals and the meet a lot.  Every time when I had to leave and return home, he greeted me goodbye with his both hands holding my face and said 'I always think of you' and hug me tightly.  I will always miss him.  That's the love I can give him.

Papa there, I always miss you and always love you.  

SFT

What does LOVE means?

Hey,

What is LOVE?  umm….what let a person in love with another individual?  

When you are in love, the hormone inside you changed.  Many people say that whenever you eat chocolate, you have the same feeling similar to as in love.  I tried myself and it is true to me.   

Every time before my flight, you bought chocolate beans from that tea shop in town where we found your favorite tea.  Was that the reason you always bought me chocolates and let me bring home?  You want me still can feel the love between us, so you let me have lots of chocolate home?   

I want to taste the love more, eat more chocolates?

always yours

SFT

Honey moon period of Love

Hey,

Do you know how long is the honey moon period of love?  I ever looked up the internet and there are a lot of different theories.   Some say that it last for few months, some say it can last for one to two years. The main point is whether the spark of love can be maintained for a long time.  How can we maintain the fire between us?  

I had talked with R and M about this.  We shared what we ever did and would do for our another half.  We have some common idea which is the three of us all love to give our partners surprise by preparing little gifts when unexpected and those gifts are usually handmade.  

You ever told me that my little diary is the most sweet and touching gift that you had ever received.  And also you are appreciate of the little "IOU"coupon with which I would perform whatever I have written on the coupon.   There was one day, you gave me a coupon from that little book and asked for a kiss on your forehead.  That was my pleasure to do it.  Want something more?  Look up the coupon and find it out, ok?

yours

SFT

Papa and Mama

Hey,

You know you have very kind and nice parents?  Since the first time I met them, I cannot stop loving them.

On the first gathering with your parents, I felt that your papa was a gentleman and a kind person and mama was a traditional mother with a kind heart.  Both of them treated me so good and they always hug me tight to them.   Mama said that I was born at the same year as your passed away sister.   I can see her caring for me from her eyes.

I remembered you have a little photo books from your babyhood till you were grown up.  Your papa was in a lot of the photos.  He was a big guy with big smile all the time.  I ever asked you about your parents story, you told me you don't know.  Thus, I asked mama.  Mama told me a romantic story about her and papa.  I envy about their love which is so gentle and sweet.  Till now, I still can see the love between them.  When they looked at each other, I can see the care and love shining in their eyes.  I hoped they love can live forever.

love

SFT

Coupon couple

Hey,

Remember the term "coupon couples"?  That's the joke she made on us, so funny.  And in a way, this term is good enough to describe us in the past.  

Whenever you came over to visit me or I flied to you, both of us tried our best to search for good deals coupon; from the very nice restaurant to the normal high tea set offer; from the cross board ferry tickets to the good and cheap hotel voucher.

Do you know, I am not really a coupon person because the deals here are not always good enough for purchase.  However, I know that you spent a lot when you were here.  I had to find those good deals for us.   I hoped you didn't mind.  Now, I stopped the searching because I know that you won't visit here. 

always your

SFT